shedding skin

December 09, 2014

I haven’t stopped crying for the last three days. My eyes glittering when I’m alone in the car, when my forehead touches my toes in baddha konasa, or the moment my bare feet touch the sand. I've been getting dizzy and nauseous from the carnival ride of the last few weeks – a big break up, loved ones dying, giving up my apartment, sleeping on a sheepskin on the floor. I've thrown myself into my practice instead of taking Dramamine - hoping I wouldn’t have to stop at lunchtime to throw up, when the day - these weeks - were just spinning me too quickly, too hard, too fast. Yoga is no substitute for Dramamine, NyQuil, or a Waterproof Band-Aid, contrary to what some (many) might have you believe. If you enjoy feeling nothing, never let your toe touch the mat. A serious practice will set you on fire, make you feel like your drowning, turning everything you thought you knew, possessed, and understood into splintered wood – and only then is when you begin to see the flicker of how all of this pain, patience, and practice will eventually set you free. Because we are already free. We know everything. We have everything. The only step that’s missing is learning how to get out of our own way. Letting the layers fall away - confusion, attachment, identities forming little heaps at our feet. And I’m realizing I have a lot of those things. A lot of emotions. And instead of falling away, my practice has only made them sharper, more acute, physically tangible slipping from my cheeks. Last night, covered in sand, staring at the rolling black water, holding myself as I wept for no reason, as I wept for so many reasons, I couldn't figure out why. Why if I’m working so hard on myself, letting go of so many things, do I cry this much? I laugh just as frequently, but it’s the guttural convulsions I can't always understand. In one sense I’m removed – I watch myself do these things, and even feel self-conscious. Whereas before I acted and reacted - I was alone, it didn't matter, no was else was there. Today, I watch myself. My awareness has a lens, and because it is separate from the body which carries out the actions, there’s always someone watching now. I’m always watching me. So maybe it’s just that all of a sudden I’m naked all the time and I’m not used to it. Maybe I’m just able to process things much faster, energy rushing around and through me, the tears transcending it into glittering salty drops, my shaking body saying goodbye to all that had been stuck before. Maybe life is just hard right now, which makes me appreciate its beauty. Maybe it just gives me something to write about. The stars told me this month would be difficult, and now they are telling me to shed more more more. They are screaming at my soul to take off her dress and blow turquoise bubbles in the sea. They are watching me, as I let go of their sparkly hands and gently walk along the broken tree trunk in the forest of my destiny, finding my balance and steadily trusting that I won’t slip off. Big changes are coming for all of us –ask any astrologer and she’ll remind you how Uranus squaring Pluto next week will bring rebellion, madness, and revelation. This year’s lap around the sun is ending, as we prepare to take another one at the end of the month. There are 22 days until I (literally) fly into the next phase of my life. A suitcase, skateboard, and my yoga mat. It takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Minimalism seems like just another label to get rid of, but Joshua and Ryan of The Minimalists make a nice 21-day schedule to begin this release of physical, and ultimately emotional, attachments. So tomorrow I'll start my list. The day after that I will plan. On Friday I’ll start packing. Shedding clothing shedding stuff shedding skin. Maybe it's one pair of jeans I give away, or maybe one pair is all that will be left (even though I don't wear pants with buttons), my intention to release the stagnation that's been holding me back. I'll probably cry the whole time, but I know there will be fits of giggles and smiles and big hugs throughout. Maybe you’ll join me? Stay tuned for a swap party coming soon, but if you can't wait to start making more conscious choices, yogiegozi gets you 10% off YOGiiZa swag. <3